My wife bought a bag of fortune cookies at the Asian Food Market in Syracuse. So lately I’ve been grabbing the cookies and cracking them open to reveal what wisdom the universe is sending my way. But this feels like cheating—like you should only be granted one fortune cookie with a single order of Chinese food (maybe once a month).

But it’s been fun for my wife and me to compare our fortunes on a nightly basis. And I like to edit the text that the cookies spit out.

Here are some recent fortunes and revisions tinctured with my inherent pessimism:

One:

A golden egg of opportunity will fall into your lap this month.
A steaming pile of you know what will fall on your head this month (likely in the form of something broken or needing repair at our house).

Two:

Anticipate a journey to new horizons and opportunities.
Anticipate a journey to new horizons and opportunities (in bed).
Anticipate a journey to nowhere new—just more of the same in the form of the daily grind.

Three:

Your positive attitude blesses you with a joyful life.
Your negative attitude shields you from the inexorable suckiness of life.

Four:

Dare to dream, hope, believe, seek, feel, find, and love.

Boy, do I love the intention of this fortune. It reminds me of a quote which is apparently falsely attributed to Mark Twain:

“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

My twist:

Yes, do all those things: Dare to dream, hope, believe, seek, feel, find, and love.
At the same time, however, accept the likelihood of failure, recognizing that your dreams and desires may never come true.

Five:

Cherish the simple moments that bring joy; they are the true treasures of life to remember.

This one is perfect, and I won’t sully it with my dark interpretation. I do believe simple, mundane moments can deliver tiny bursts of joy. For me, it’s hugging and kissing my son or finding inner peace when reflecting in nature.